Why Silent Retreat is a Good Idea

There are countless yoga vacations on the market right now that offer a variety of activities such as surfing, dancing, hiking, wine drinking and socializing. While these vacations can be fun, silent retreat offers something different. I would be lying to you if I said that silent retreat is “fun”, but I have found through personal experience is that silent retreat can be incredibly transformational.

What does being silent mean? 

Depending on the retreat, being silent means that you do not speak to others, nor communicate in non-verbal ways through eye contact of body language. Usually, there are periods set aside for formal teaching instructions, in which the facilitator will guide you through practices. All cell phones, computers and tablets are turned off, long periods of reading and writing are discouraged. It is just you, nature, and your practice. 

This sounds awful. Why would I do this?  

TO REST
 
On Silent retreat, we are given FULL permission to take off all of the hats we wear in our daily life and step out of the various roles we play in our career or family. We are given the space to rest the language centers of our brain and let the energy drop down from the head into the body. Turning off our computers, cellphones, and tablets can be incredibly restorative for our entire nervous system.


TO REFLECT:
 
Within this restful space, we have the opportunity to honestly look at our neurosis! The intention behind this is not to be judgmental, but to see clearly what thoughts, words, and actions we can let go of in order to bring about a more lasting sense of wellbeing. Awareness in itself is curative. Just seeing how our thoughts run our life is the first step in making an inner shift.

Secodnly, when we are on silent retreat we take an aerial view of our life and given the chance to reflect on where our energy is going. We have time to listen deeply into our heart on what matters most. Does my life align with what I value? Am I living a life I am proud of? People report after returning from a retreat that they feel inspired to shift a major or minor aspect of thier life. It could be as small as taking the time to have a bubble bath once a week, or as large as a carreer change.

To Relate: 

In my first ever silent retreat, one of my teachers said: “silent retreat is about relationships”. When I heard this, it was confusing to me. How can being alone in silence improve our relationships? 

The fact is, we are always in relationship– and perhaps the most important relationship we are in, is the relationship to ourselves. It is through time spent in silence that I have learned how to be my own best friend. I have established an inner resiliency and reliance that I wouldn’t trade for any yoga vacation. I have also learned how to relate more intimately with each moment regardless of how boring or painful it is. I understand through my retreat practice that my wellbeing depends less upon circumstances, but more upon how I relate to them.

We get so busy chasing pleasant experiences that silent retreat can seem counterintuitive. While vacation memories fade, I argue that time spent on silent retreat can offer a lasting shift in how we live this precious human life.

Below is one of my Favourite Poems by Pabelo Neruda, called Keeping Quiet:

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still
for once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for a second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would not look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

Now I’ll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

Create a Clearing

The poem I am reading in class this week and posted below, speaks to the fundamental reason why we practice: to STOP and listen.

 

In our modern world, we can get so swept away by the routine and pace of our life, that we fail to take the time to stop. Even if our actions are wholesome and aligned with our deepest intentions, sometimes the mind can get a little clouded or “mucky”. It is sort of like driving down a gravel road- dust gets churned up. Meditation and Yoga are like stopping on the dirt road and letting all the dust settle so you can see clearly. Then you have time to look around, re-route, re-evaluate, and perhaps re-direct.

 

 

Clearing

by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worth of rescue.

 

How to create a clearing:

 

 

1: Take 5

Stop whatever you are doing. Get up from the computer, turn off your device. Light a candle. Lay on your bed or take a walk outside.

2: Come into your body

In Chinese energetic medicine, intelligence does not come from the brain, rather, from our body, through the energy and spirit of our organs. Because Chi (energy) follows attention, if we drop our attention into our body, our Chi flows there, and we have access to their wisdom. After a yoga session, students often come up to me and say that they have found a solution to their problem, or have a new great idea for a project. Meditation teacher and Psychotherapist also speaks beautifully to this concept of body intelligence:

“The more we come home to our bodies, the more access we have to our creativity & intelligence- we stay up in our minds because we actually think it’s going to take us to better places. But if we can stay at home in our body our thoughts actually spring forth in a more rich and fresh way- thoughts become more creative and useful.”

Excercise, Yoga, meditation, can be an excellent way to come from the head and into the body. Feeling the hands, face, feet and inside the mouth, in particular, helps drop the mind into the body, as these areas have the most neural tissue.

 

 

3: The Sacred “No”

The sacred “no” is about taking a break from the endless internal dialogue that creates so much noise in our mind. Thinking is not bad, but it takes energy. To create a clearing, we want to take a break from discursive thinking. In Tibet, there is a saying that “meditation is a holiday for the heart”. Saying no to thinking does not mean thoughts won’t come to the mind. It just means we are not feeding the storyline with our energy.

There are various meditation techniques that can help with this. I have included a simple “counting” meditation that I find helpful to create a clearing in my life. So If you can’t make it to class, take 5 min to stop and recharge.

 

Enjoy!

 

Wise Intention

For those of you who are seasoned yoga practitioners, you probably have heard this word “intention” used casually at the beginning of a yoga class. When I first began practicing yoga, in my teens, I was confused by this concept and was often left scrambling to find something I could “intend” before moving into my sun salutations. In this post I would like to explore this concept of intention, and how we can bring it into all facets of our life- not just at the start of our yoga sessions.

 

Intentions Versus Goals

 

Perhaps the biggest misconception surrounding the word intention is that it is often confused with a goal. Many of us come to yoga in order to achieve something- to get more flexible or to fix our frozen shoulder, perhaps to lose weight or to become more mindful in our daily life. Goals are future orientated, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having these sorts of aspirations- in fact, we need them to fuel our purpose and growth.

The intention we are cultivating in a yoga class is more direct and immediate than a goal. Every action we take in our body, speech or mind is fueled by intent. Therefore, intention is operating in every moment, whether we are conscious of it or not. Intentions form the basis for determining how we meet each moment as we move towards our goals.

 

Theravada Buddhist teacher and Scholer Thanissaro put it beautifully:

“Our experience of the present doesn’t “just happen”. Instead it is a product of our involvement- in terms of present intentions, the results of present intention, and the results of past intentions- in which present intentions are the most important factor. The more we focus on that involvement, the more we can bring it out of the half-light of the subconscious and into the full light of awareness. There we can train our intentions, through conscious trial and error, to be even more skillful, enabling us to lessen our experience of suffering and pain in the present. This is how skillful intentions pave the road to mental health and well being in the ordinary world of our lives”

What is your intention, Really?

 

It is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But when we look closely, are those intentions really good? What defines a “good” intention? One of my best friends and colleague Adam Stonebraker always says “we meditate to find out what is secretly running our life”. When we really examine our minds we can be surprised to see that some of our actions, while we thought were well intended, are actually just unconscious habits operating through us.

 

I found yoga as a teenager, struggling with severe eating disorders. My reason for going to yoga was less about self-care and more about self-improvement, combined with a compulsive need to exercise. While my practice of yoga may have appeared to be wholesome on the outside, internally the intention had a violent undertone which perpetuated my current pattern of striving. With the help of skilled teachers, my initial misguided intentions of my yoga practice ended up evolving into something beautiful and ultimately healing. But this is not always the case.

 

Certain situations, especially interpersonal ones, can trigger past conditioning which operates so quickly, we are often unaware of our intention behind our thoughts, words, and actions. This can leave us with feelings of remorse over our the poor decisions that were made that did not align with our deepest values. Senior meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach, outlines two categories of intention that can operate within the mind:

Limbic intent. This sort of intention is oriented around our survival. Limbic intentions are mainly concerned with fulfilling desires, avoiding physical, social and emotional pain. We all have limbic intentions because we have a nervous system, and, as humans, our brain stems are wired this way. Limbic intentions operate almost automatically and lead to the “poisonous” mind states of greed, hatred, and delusion. The Buddha suggests that none of these mind states lead to a lasting sense of wellbeing or happiness.

 

Evolved/Enlightened intent: This kind of intention is more evolved and takes time to train. It may not be our first impulse as it comes from the frontal cortex and is concerned with the short and long-term wellbeing of self and other. This intention is grounded in the wider perspective of wisdom, kindness, and compassion. In Buddhism, wise intention is the second facet of the “noble Eightfold path”.

So what is a wise intention?  There are three qualities to Wise Intention that are outlined in the ancient texts. I have explained them in a more modern way- to make these teachings more relatable:

Let that shit go:

 

The first pillar of what continued wise intention is the intention of Renunciation. For many of us, when we think of renunciation we think of “having” to give up something- like the monk who shaves his head and gives away all his belongings, or Catholics giving up chocolate for Lent.

 

There is a story of the late Buddhist teacher, Venerable Ajahn Chah, who was walking through the forest with his disciples. They come across three giant boulders. Ajahn Chah asks his disciples, “Do you think these boulders are heavy?” The disciples looked at their teacher strangely and said: “Yes, of course, venerable, they would be very heavy”. Ajahn Chah smiled and replied: “They are only heavy if you pick them up”.

 

In the Buddha’s model of renunciation, we do not renounce something in order to be “good”. We renounce it because we genuinely see that indulging in that certain thought, word or deed leads to suffering. It is like picking up a giant boulder! This could mean not replaying that situation at work again and again in our mind, or choosing to spend less time on our device, or giving up the need to gossip at work.

 

 

Renunciation in the case of wise intention means pausing at the moment of impulse and choosing not to act upon thoughts that lead to suffering- moment to moment. When we practice renunciation in this way, it is actually a HUGE relief. We can lay down our burdens!

 

 

Be a kind human: 

The second factor of wise intention is the intention of kindness. It is interesting that all spiritual traditions value kindness and recognize it as a source of wellbeing and happiness. When we are kind we are acting from a place that recognizes our interconnection with all things. Going out of our way to be kind, and to leave both our inner and outer world a better place, is the intention of kindness.

 

 

Don’t add to the mess:

 

The last factor of wise intention is harmlessness-which is similar to kindness, but has a different flavor. Harmlessness requires us to step out of our fixed views and really reflect if our thoughts, words, and deeds will leave any residue of hurt. For example, you might think it is kind to tell your friend the truth about a certain situation because “in the long run, it will be good for her”. But if it in anyway causes harm, perhaps take time to reflect on your deepest intention before acting.

 

Harmlessness also means that we have compassion for the way we are and the way others are at any given moment. Harmlessness makes room for us when we mess up. Even when we do act upon our not-so-skillful intentions, we can refrain from adding a layer judgment to it and have compassion for our human imperfections. This gives us room to humbly start over.

 

Steps to developing Wise intention:

 

  1.  Pause. Close your eyes and breathe- What is the intention that is operating right now? Is the root of your intention limbic or enlightened? If we can notice where our intentions are coming from, the unconscious habits are less likely to rule us. Take time to meditate, do a slower form of yoga or take a walk. As the poet, Martha Postlewaite, says: “make a clearing in the dense forest of your life”
  2. Self-reflect – Ask this question: will this lead to harm others or myself? Does it benefit others and myself? Reflect on past actions and your intentions behind them. What effect did they have? What effect do you think your current intention has now?
  3. Plant new seeds.  Intentions grow out of thoughts, so if we change the pattern of our thinking, we change our intention. The following phrases are ones I used on my month long retreat last year, to help ground my mind in wise intention. You can do this meditation on your cushion, before your yoga practice or even in the grocery store line up.

“May I let go of what causes suffering”

“May I grow in kindness”

“May I radiate compassion internally and externally”.

 

 

 

 

The Buddha taught that we live our lives on the tip of intention and that every mind-moment is planting a seed for a future action. Over time, honestly examining our intentions will clear the shadows from our mind and we can then start to live in a way that is more aligned with our deepest values and aspirations.

Below is a poem by Stephen Levine that I often read in Yin classes when I talk about this theme of intention. Enjoy, and happy practicing!

Xo

Stephanie

 

Half-life

by Stephen Levine

 

We walk through half our life
as if it were a fever dream

barely touching the ground our eyes half open

our eyes half open
our heart half closed.

Not half knowing who we are
we watch the ghost of us drift
from room to room
through friends and lovers
never quite as real as advertised.

Not saying half we mean
or meaning half we say
we dream ourselves
from birth to birth
seeking some true self.

Until the fever breaks
and the heart can not abide
a moment longer
as the rest of us awakens,
summoned from the dream,
not half caring for anything but love.

A Beautiful Failure

“when we push aside our emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be”- Susan David

I thought I would make this first blog post one that is raw and personal. I do not always share my personal life with my students, or on the Internet for that matter, but with this name change, re-branding and new website, I wanted to shed light on a bit of my inner process. In no way is this post meant to hand off my baggage, but rather to admit to my struggles and share some insights that have grown out of them.

 

This fall my husband and I decided to separate. I became one of the 50 percent in the well-known divorce statistic. The reasons aren’t relevant because loss is loss. Pain is pain. Major changes always test our capacity, and mine was indeed tested.

 

With all the years of yoga practice, study, meditation and time spent in therapy I thought that I would cope better, but night after night I found myself crying with a glass of wine in hand, tears on my face, surfing the internet and basking in my own sob story. The feeling of being a failure and alone was, at times, too much to bear.

 

After some time spent on silent retreat, and in Taiwan studying Zen and tea ceremony, I realized that “my” situation of divorce, and how I coped, is just life unfolding. We don’t have all that much control over what happens – “success” and “failure” are just labels we put on our goals, careers, or relationships that are always in flux. Our life is like a river and we don’t know what direction it’s going. The more we fight where we end up, the more we suffer.

 

There is a Tibetan Buddhist teaching that states: “bring all obstacles onto the path of practice”. So why not turn our “failures” into fuel for self-exploration? Success doesn’t last forever, and it is usually quickly forgotten and replaced with another goal or desire – it is like a bucket that never fills up. Failures, on the other hand, are much more valuable. While they are also impermanent and entirely conceptual, they can at least have a lasting impact. Failures highlight our shortcomings and help us to pause and reflect how our actions influence our life and the lives of others. The pain, guilt or loneliness that often accompanies failure has the power to develop greater compassion and empathy for others. When we really feel our difficult emotions, we begin to understand that we are not alone in our pain- that all humans experience these states. Rather than letting our emotions define us, we can use them as a path towards a greater connection with humanity.

 

The fact is, we will fail. And no matter how “yogi” we (think) we are, sometimes we need to drink wine and cry. And then when the time comes, we pick ourselves back up- sit on the cushion, pick up that dharma book and start our morning with sun salutations. Trying to live up to some sort of ideal, instead of embracing ourselves as we are, is a subtle act of violence that can actually mute our development. The point of this post is to suggest that what we label as “failure” is actually ok. It is better than ok, it is beautiful.  If we can embrace our failures and the emotions that come with them with a compassionate heart, then when the time comes to humbly start over, we can do so with more love, wisdom, and clarity.

Below is a poem I wrote reflecting on this theme of failure (and the mundane, yet sacred, act of making tea)

 

   Make Tea   

 

You can’t fail

If what you failed at

Is not the same color

As who you really are.

 

Life will reveal our sacred misalignments

Through the loss of kisses and hurt blue eyes

Broken promises

Unsent letters,

or ones that tell lies.

 

Like the reservoir in the alcohol burner,

this pain keeps evolution

aflame.

The life you could have had

You cannot have

Because it is not you

 

The dusty furniture is gone

And the blinds are open

You are in this moment now

and so is She

And it is all such beautiful failure,

Make tea.